“Somewhere along the path of this life, the connection to my body, my soul, my Source was severely damaged.”
I got up and said this statement recently on a retreat in Sedona in front of about 26 women, most of whom I did not know and it was one of the most clear and profound statements I have made in as long as I can remember.
…….And its profound nature rests solely in its raw, brutal and painful honesty.
If I had to pinpoint when exactly the metaphorical cord connecting me to my body was almost severed, I would say it was my 2012 nervous breakdown that I often reference and write about.
On that night, in one seemingly instant moment, my life and “Bianca” as I knew her shattered and so did a major piece of the cord connecting me to my body, or Higher Self. My body had truly turned on me and instead of being the outgoing, social, funny person I had put forth (forced) into the world, I was now an anxious, depressed, withdrawn, defeated, confused pile of some life/person from the past.
No, it wasn’t the first time a breakdown had happened but it was the most significant time and in that moment when that massive piece of cord broke connecting me to my inner Truth and wisdom, my mind began waging a war to take the reigns of my life.
Let’s be clear, it was the wake up call that needed to happen but the ensuing mind fog, depersonalization, anxiety and depression all stemmed from my inability to drop out of the chaos of my mind and into the truth of my body.
As I’ve worked tirelessly to heal both my mind and body from that moment, I realize that it was actually not that one defining moment that broke the cord. There were years and years and YEARS of moments that had worn it down. 2012 was just the final straw.
And the more I reflect on this concept of my own lost internal connection, the more I realize that most of us walk around with damaged, if not nearly severed, cords to our true inner Being. We never lose them completely as they are inherently a part of us but we don’t have any sense of them. Many of us don’t even know they exist which leads us to live in our heads and allow our minds run the show that is our life.
But what does that even mean to let our minds run the show?
On a personal and individual level, it often means living from a place of “shoulds” instead of loving soul desires.
It means defining Self as our thoughts.
It means pushing our emotions to the side in fear of falling apart or appearing weak.
It means making decisions from fear or judgement from others instead of trusting our ourselves.
It means not tuning in.
It means ignoring physical signals from our body that our life is out of alignment.
And in our current societal landscape it means war, blame, separateness, hatred and deep pain.
Not only do most of our minds run the show, but most of us don’t even know that’s what’s happening. We are completely unaware that we are disconnected and running on autopilot and have been doing so for as long as we can remember.
We live this way until one day (if we are lucky enough) we wake up with the unmistakable pain and dread of having no idea who we are are, what life we are leading and where to even begin trying to connect the dots of the broken pieces of our lives and our hearts.
But before we go blaming ourselves for leading an auto-pilot life, we must have compassion for ourselves because we do not live in a society that promotes tuning-in. We live in a society that promotes tuning out.
So how do we change it? How do we mend this pervasive societal and individual disconnect?
Well, for years I have been trying to fix my own disconnect. I’ve thrown everything imaginable within the healing / spiritual realm at it: meditation, yoga, chanting, acupuncture, retreats, therapy, books and seminars. You name it and I have most likely tried it.
And don’t get me wrong, they have all helped me heal to some degree. They have guided me deeper. They have helped me shed (some) layers and dismantle (some) armor around my heart but my intention behind all of this has always been to fix myself. From the moment I physically felt that cord snap in 2012, I’ve been hell bent on fixing.
The pain of that massive separation / wake-up call was borderline unbearable at times and what’s often been more unbearable has been my desire to be connected again and fix what felt damaged.
But why did I feel the incessant need to fix?
Because the damage and disconnect felt wrong and moreso, I felt wrong. I myself felt damaged. That “wrongness” is what always drove my healing and it was only in that sacred space in Sedona that this realization hit home.
The truth is, I think that’s where many of our inclinations towards healing arises from: the need to fix something within us; the belief that there is something wrong with us. But then that is not true healing because it is not coming from a place of deep love, it comes from a much more rigid place of unacceptable. From that place, we will never heal to the depths that our soul desires.
So you see, it’s not about fixing the disconnect. It never was. It’s about accepting and embracing it for what it is (which is the starting point of all paths of healing). It’s about feeling what disconnect feels like, not thinking about what it should not feel like. Bringing in the “should-nots” adds in an aspect of shame to the process and let’s be honest, we all already deal with enough of that as it is.
Once again, our current political and general societal environment perfectly embodies this notion of fixing from a place of “wrongness” and unacceptance. And where has this gotten us?
Instead, we must invite in compassion. Even in the face of some of our most difficult pain and experiences, that is when we must usher in radical compassion……... and if we struggle with giving ourselves (and others) compassion, we have compassion for that as well. In every moment, we surrender to this.
This is how we begin to heal our pain, our perceived struggles and our various disconnects. We acknowledge it’s happening, we sit with it and we physically feel it. Instead of distracting ourselves with social media, work, relationships, planning, going out, focusing on *not your shit*........we just sit with it.
Because connecting with disconnect, and any other pain we experience, is the first step to mending that cord back to ourselves; to love; to our core; our soul; our Highest Truth.
In our current world landscape, healing the disconnect within ourselves with unlimited compassion is important now more than ever. We all want peace and unity in this country and it truly begins within us. As we begin to tune in and not only acknowledge but also accept the chaos within our own minds and hearts, we can begin to acknowledge and accept the chaos around us.
The world around us is a direct reflection of the world within us so it is only from a place of radical acceptance, not judgment and hate, where our pain and the pain surrounding us can begin to heal and transform at the deeper and lasting levels that so many of us desire.