A friend recently asked for my advice around dealing with their neighbor who they’d had an uncomfortable interaction with.
She took me through what had happened and then showed me the follow up text messages.
My friend had already gotten clear about her boundary and what she needed from this neighbor and for the most part had brilliantly decided how she was going to respond.
She mostly just needed confirmation that her response was going in the right direction and she was also curious what energy dynamics I was picking up on.
Immediately, I told her that amidst a myriad of things at play one of the biggest dynamics I was sensing was one that I’ve been picking up on a lot lately which is the “unspoken agenda” energy.
The words that were being said and the energy behind them were just……off.
And my friend whole-heartedly agreed: even though the neighbor was saying one thing, both her actions and current energy were not lining up.
Have you had that experience?
Where someone was saying one thing but the energy you were picking up was giving you something completely different?
Maybe it was the tone of their voice, their eye contact (or lack there of), or something in their movements.
……..Or it could be even more subtle than that.
That’s because energy doesn’t lie.
This is what I call “The Unspoken Agenda Energy”: an unspoken energy that’s being communicated without actually being physically communicated.
When the energy and the words are not in alignment.
From my experience and observation, this energy is usually not malicious or intentional but rather comes from an unmet need that is trying to get itself met.
This doesn’t mean that it can’t be harmful, I just find that it’s often not conscious.
Like for my friend, she could see that her neighbor had an unmet need of wanting to be more deeply connected to her but was going about it in ways that violated my friends’ boundaries and comfort zone.
I see this in my own life often and most recently with an acquaintance who has made me feel unsettled for quite some time.
I wasn’t sure what I was picking up on initially but I knew that it felt off.
Despite them wanting to be closer with me (very quickly), I kept them at arms length, gave it space and time and eventually the reason why I felt so unsettled around them revealed itself.
This is why energy work is not only real but also very necessary - it allows us to cut through the noise -
to see the truth in a situation, in relationships and even with ourselves (if we are willing).
For a long time in my life I didn’t have access to this level of clarity - I was burnt out, moving too quickly, not dealing with my own unprocessed emotions, enmeshed with everyone else’s s**t and operating from a very dysregulated nervous system.
I would stay in relationships, jobs and situations or feel things that would cause my nervous system to be consistently dysregulated and I would just as consistently ignore it.
Even if I was picking up on something that felt off with someone or something, I would often suppress it or tune it out because I either didn’t trust what I was sensing, didn’t know what to do with the information or I didn’t want to do what I needed to do to course correct (like have a tough conversation or end a relationship).
(Side note: It's one thing to notice a dynamic, it's a whole other thing to actually act on it.)
What ultimately started to shift this for me was yes, energy work, but really when I started to become more regulated in my nervous system.
When I was able to process my emotions, release trauma and more regularly turn off the fight / flight / freeze / fawn response, I was able to slow down, see my own patterns, un-enmesh myself from other people’s stuff and have my own intuition come more online.
As a highly sensitive person who works with highly sensitive clients, the nervous system is an integral part of energy work and understanding dynamics at play.
When we are dysregulated, meaning we are caught in an unfinished stress response, it’s hard to see things clearly or at all because so much of our energy is going towards managing that stress.
Trauma, which is a prolonged stress response that never gets completed, changes the shape of our brain and how we are perceiving the situations, people and the world around us.
We’ll be talking more about this in the next couple of weeks but understanding that the core of energy work is being deeply present and noticing is essential.
It’s harder to do that appropriately when we aren’t *in* our bodies and emotionally regulated.
It’s easier to make projections / assumptions or not pick up on the energy at all (or misinterpret it).
But when we start to learn the tools and techniques that can help us stay regulated, like Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), we give ourselves a larger capacity to slow down and see things more clearly.
Energy and energy dynamics becomes a whole lot louder (and clearer) for us when they’re not being clouded by our own stuff or the stuff of others, due to a lack of proper energetic boundaries and emotional processing.
It’s amazing to see the difference in my own life and my clients’ life once the nervous system starts to become more consistently regulated.
It's not the only important aspect of energy work, but it's a foundational one.
Intuition comes more online, relationship and energy dynamics become clearer and decision making becomes easier (or at least clearer).
If you're interested in nervous system / stress response basics, my 1 hour self-paced workshops, Re-Wire Your Stress Response and Emotional Freedom Technique 101: Permission to Heal are great places to start.
If you're looking to go deeper, you can check out more 1:1 specific offerings below.
Sending ease and clarity,
Bianca
P.s. - Please enjoy this IG reel I created to capture “Unspoken Agenda” energy
P.p.s - I’m thinking about running a workshop around intuition. Reply back if you’re interested!
Weekly Energy Practice
"Unspoken Agenda" Energy Process
Use: For those people / dynamics / interactions that leave you feeling unsettled or off
1.) During interaction, notice the body and the sensations that show up
2.) Surround yourself with a golden bubble to ensure proper energetic boundaries
3.) Feel the connection between your feet and the ground (to ensure you stay present and in your body)
3.) Post interaction
Take a moment to regulate yourself, if needed - you can take a walk and move your body or if possible, you can Tap or Call Your Energy Back from the interaction
Once regulated, when you have a few extra minutes, take some time to "review" the interaction
4.) Consider the following reflections:
What about the interaction made me uneasy / unsettled?
What sensations showed up in my body then? (or in this current moment?)
If those sensations could speak, what would they say?
When have I felt those sensations before? What do they remind me of?
What does my body / energy need now?
Is this a personal wound? If so, how might I tend to it?
If not, how might I create better boundaries in the future? (energetically and/or physically)