Blog
The Sacred Pause
The world that we live in seems to be more emotionally and physically chaotic than ever.
As a highly sensitive black woman trying to maneuver through the chaos, I know at this point in my life that I must also maneuver through bouts of anxiety and depression as I am prone to both. The wide ranging variety of worldly traumatic events from the past couple of years coupled with everyday stresses (which can be amplified by an anxious mind) have taken me down some dark and turbulent roads within myself.
The world that we live in seems to be more emotionally and physically chaotic than ever.
As a highly sensitive black woman trying to maneuver through the chaos, I know at this point in my life that I must also maneuver through bouts of anxiety and depression as I am prone to both. The wide ranging variety of worldly traumatic events from the past couple of years coupled with everyday stresses (which can be amplified by an anxious mind) have taken me down some dark and turbulent roads within myself.
Although it may take awhile to get to this point, the journey usually leaves me with some nuggets of wisdom, a sense of deeper healing and more compassion for myself and others (and just to be abundantly clear this journey can sometimes take a very long time).
One of the main tools that continues to aid me in these journeys is yoga and with the seemingly endless stream of violent events of the past few months (years) combined with the pure insanity of the upcoming election, the class I recently attended was no different. Everything in my body was telling me I needed to go. I needed to be in a place of healing; an environment focused on love, acceptance and forgiveness. Mostly, I just needed to feel safe.
Just like any other class, my teacher was emphasizing breath but more so than usual he was emphasizing pausing. He gently asked us to take a sacred pause before we transitioned to our next pose.
Pause, breathe, check-in and then move.
Pause, breathe, check-in, move.
Repeat.
That night, and many days since then, this concept of pausing has resonated deeply within me.
As someone who deals with anxiety, I know firsthand the importance of the pause. If I am not careful, I can easily spiral quickly down a rabbit hole of angst and “what-ifs.” My mother’s annually scheduled doctor check-ins can suddenly morph into appointments for life threatening illnesses. Alternatively, my mind can easily turn driving behind a flatbed truck on the freeway into a grotesque scene from Final Destination.
Through my own necessary pauses, I realize more than ever that we are a reactionary culture. We pride ourselves on acting quickly and efficiently and I want to be crystal clear, that is not always a bad thing. It can be wonderful as countless lives are saved and catastrophes often avoided (or at the very least, made less disastrous).
We have never been more productive as a society but we have also never been so disconnected. We build, create and accomplish more than ever before at speeds never seen before; but we also have to-do lists that never end, push notifications coming to our phone alerting us to check Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and pop-ups telling us that we’ve matched with an exciting new stranger 10 miles away. Our attention spans have never been shorter and our focus often lies on what is happening externally in the world around us rather than what is happening in the world within us.
And because of this disconnect, we react. Our days can often be boiled down to a sequence of situations occurring, emotions being stirred and reactions (sometimes without consideration) taking place.
We see it on the news and even more tragically, in front of our own faces every day.
A police officer carries around unaddressed false/negative beliefs. He/She feels threatened. He/she reacts. Lives are tragically lost.
We see it in the ridiculous circus spectacle that we like to refer to as the “election race.”
A candidate feels they are being attacked. The ego is threatened and reacts. Malicious (and ignorant) words spread like wildfire.
We see it in our own lives on a daily basis.
A partner or someone we are romantically involved with says something that upsets us. We feel triggered. We react.
A coworker questions us. We feel threatened. We react.
A friend disagrees with us. We feel betrayed. We react.
A parent disapproves of us or something we did. We feel unloved. We react.
Like an itch we feel we must always scratch, we react…..but that itch hardly ever fully goes away.
Why?
Because when we react without taking the time to understand what is the underlying cause of this “itch,” we are only adding adding fuel to the fire; we are only strengthening its existence. We may have that satisfying sense of relief upon our initial reaction and sometimes we may even feel a little smug about it (this person has wronged me so now I’m going to defend myself and show them and the world why they are bad or wrong).
But why do we continue to scratch?
We do it because it feels good. It feels good to feel right. It feels both good and necessary to defend ourselves against perceived threats. We so often fear looking bad and feeling bad that we react without thinking. At the most fundamental level, it is a means of survival.
The problem is that this form of reaction, this fear-based-not-thinking-before-I-speak-or-act-reaction, does not actually fix anything. It may seem temporarily resolved but in fact it’s quite the opposite. It exacerbates false beliefs that so many of us (including myself) carry around, the biggest and most important ones being “something is wrong with me” and “I am not enough.”
Imagine if we began to understand that nothing is wrong with us and that we are enough just as we are? If we started to act from a place of love instead of a place of lacking?
Imagine how different we as a humankind could be, how different our relationships could be and how different our world could be if we all just took a sacred pause; if we all just took a breath and asked ourselves some questions before we instantly reacted?
- What am I feeling in this instance?
- Can I take a moment to let it pass? (hint: it always does)
- Can I make a different choice in my action?
I really believe this can happen. It already happens every day whether or not we are aware of it. The reason of course is because a lot of the time something WON’T happen when a sacred pause is taken. Something will most likely have been prevented: a situation didn’t escalate or a life was not tragically and unnecessarily lost. The results of a sacred pause will most likely not end up on CNN or any other news / social media outlet.
We all have access to it. It’s not some mysterious concept that you have to take classes on, read books about or meditate on (although all of those definitely help). It can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths and if not a few, just one. All it can take is one breath to not pull the trigger, to not scream at a significant other, to not send that scathing email. In that one breath there is the possibility to see yourself and a situation clearly, if only briefly.
Sometimes the pause can make all of the difference and sometimes it may not change a thing. The difference is that with it, there is potential; potential to make a more loving, or at least calmer, choice. Without it, there is only a reaction and not necessarily a good one.
So just start there. Just breathe.
When The Foundation Crumbles
Sometimes there comes a time in life, or maybe many times in life, when the foundation that we have known crumbles beneath us.
There may have been cracks developing for years before, or perhaps it falls apart in one swift moment.
Sometimes we find ourselves clinging so tightly to a foundation that we are sure is stable, we often miss the subtle cracks that begin to develop until we physically feel it dissolving beneath our feet. Yet, we still continue to grasp in disbelief that this could be happening to us and we wonder how we will survive.
“I’m not giving up, I’m just giving in.”
- ‘Never Let Me Go’, Florence + The Machine
Sometimes there comes a time in life, or maybe many times in life, when the foundation that we have known crumbles beneath us.
There may have been cracks developing for years before, or perhaps it falls apart in one swift moment.
Sometimes we find ourselves clinging so tightly to a foundation that we are sure is stable, we often miss the subtle cracks that begin to develop until we physically feel it dissolving beneath our feet. Yet, we still continue to grasp in disbelief that this could be happening to us and we wonder how we will survive.
The truth is there were signs. There are always signs, it’s just whether or not we choose to acknowledge and accept them. If we actually do see them, we often turn a blind eye, deciding to ignore them or hoping they will go away on their own.
But piece by piece, crack by crack this foundation continues to dismantle itself. What we thought we knew and who we thought we were in relation to that foundation, begins to dissolve before our very eyes.
And in that moment when we realize what is happening, fear grabs a hold of us, infiltrating every fiber of our being as confusion and despair rattle our brains and clutch our hearts. We may get angry and ask God (or whatever you believe in) why this is happening. Why me? Anxiety and depression may start their descent upon our soul and body.
Yet we try to fight these feelings, only making them come on stronger as they wreak havoc on our minds and unleash distress in our bodies. We resist and so they persist. We try to (fruitlessly) keep the pieces of this foundation together, whatever that may be for us, but we become exhausted because those pieces are no longer ours to hold onto.
We feel as though we are free falling and desperately try to hold onto anything we can……..
We feel the dreaded sensation of losing control despite the difficult fact that it was never there in the first place.
We continue to cling so we continue to struggle.
But eventually at some point in time we realize there is nothing to hold onto. Eventually we tire ourselves of trying to keep something together that was never our responsibility to keep in the first place.
It was an illusion.
And eventually, sometimes through pure exhaustion alone, we release that illusion. We slowly begin to release our struggle; the struggle that keeps us awake at night, our bodies fighting and grasping for that perceived control.
And it is in this very moment of releasing that struggle, that we finally begin to truly let go; not the cute glittery Instagram quote type of “let it go.” No, I mean the the ugly-crying-until-you-pass-out, deep-in-your-soul, I-don’t-know-what-else-to-do type of letting go.
We aren’t giving up…...we’re just giving in.
We give into the uncertainty of life because we begin to understand that this one concept alone is a sturdier foundation than the one (or ones) that previously fell apart. As a universal and human truth, uncertainty is a constant that will never go away.
We give into putting our faith into something bigger than us and our tiny created worlds.
We give into understanding that the foundation we had before was never meant to last forever. It was always meant to crumble at some point because it needed to let us fall….not so that we could suffer but so we could grow; so we could break free of the chains and limitations keeping our view of life and Self, small and powerless.
You see, when one of our foundation crumbles, we have less of an ability to hide from ourselves. We are forced to confront things we may’ve been able to previously ignore when we lived under the guise that something else would save us. And that something doesn’t mean just people, that can be belief systems, personality traits, goals, or just a general idea of how life “should” be. We cling so tightly to whatever our perceived foundation is that we begin to develop blinders, unable to see that at some point it transitioned into a crutch, holding us back, keeping us stuck from our next layer of growth and expansion.
And when we finally let go we experience, perhaps for the first time in our lives, the feeling of groundlessness; the sensation of no longer clinging.
And you know what? Groundlessness really makes you confront a lot of your shit, as it should. It’s human nature to crave certainty but we must learn to fall into the groundlessness (Pema Chodron speaks about this beautifully in her book ‘When Things Fall Apart’). We must learn to fall into the abyss of uncertainty so that we may shed our next layer; so we may continue to let go of what is no longer needed, as deeply as we believe the opposite.
We must allow the foundation to crumble so we can free ourselves from the illusion of what we believed was holding us together…...so we can allow ourselves to (momentarily) fall apart. As always, we must allow the breakdown to occur. If we allow it, only then do we have our breakthrough and the ability to see ourselves, our true selves, more clearly and brightly than ever before.
Healing The Disconnect
“Somewhere along the path of this life, the connection to my body, my soul, my Source was severely damaged.”
I got up and said this statement recently on a retreat in Sedona in front of about 26 women, most of whom I did not know and it was one of the most clear and profound statements I have made in as long as I can remember.
…….And its profound nature rests solely in its raw, brutal and painful honesty.
If I had to pinpoint when exactly the metaphorical cord connecting me to my body was almost severed, I would say it was my 2012 nervous breakdown that I often reference and write about.
“Somewhere along the path of this life, the connection to my body, my soul, my Source was severely damaged.”
I got up and said this statement recently on a retreat in Sedona in front of about 26 women, most of whom I did not know and it was one of the most clear and profound statements I have made in as long as I can remember.
…….And its profound nature rests solely in its raw, brutal and painful honesty.
If I had to pinpoint when exactly the metaphorical cord connecting me to my body was almost severed, I would say it was my 2012 nervous breakdown that I often reference and write about.
On that night, in one seemingly instant moment, my life and “Bianca” as I knew her shattered and so did a major piece of the cord connecting me to my body, or Higher Self. My body had truly turned on me and instead of being the outgoing, social, funny person I had put forth (forced) into the world, I was now an anxious, depressed, withdrawn, defeated, confused pile of some life/person from the past.
No, it wasn’t the first time a breakdown had happened but it was the most significant time and in that moment when that massive piece of cord broke connecting me to my inner Truth and wisdom, my mind began waging a war to take the reigns of my life.
Let’s be clear, it was the wake up call that needed to happen but the ensuing mind fog, depersonalization, anxiety and depression all stemmed from my inability to drop out of the chaos of my mind and into the truth of my body.
As I’ve worked tirelessly to heal both my mind and body from that moment, I realize that it was actually not that one defining moment that broke the cord. There were years and years and YEARS of moments that had worn it down. 2012 was just the final straw.
And the more I reflect on this concept of my own lost internal connection, the more I realize that most of us walk around with damaged, if not nearly severed, cords to our true inner Being. We never lose them completely as they are inherently a part of us but we don’t have any sense of them. Many of us don’t even know they exist which leads us to live in our heads and allow our minds run the show that is our life.
But what does that even mean to let our minds run the show?
On a personal and individual level, it often means living from a place of “shoulds” instead of loving soul desires.
It means defining Self as our thoughts.
It means pushing our emotions to the side in fear of falling apart or appearing weak.
It means making decisions from fear or judgement from others instead of trusting our ourselves.
It means not tuning in.
It means ignoring physical signals from our body that our life is out of alignment.
And in our current societal landscape it means war, blame, separateness, hatred and deep pain.
Not only do most of our minds run the show, but most of us don’t even know that’s what’s happening. We are completely unaware that we are disconnected and running on autopilot and have been doing so for as long as we can remember.
We live this way until one day (if we are lucky enough) we wake up with the unmistakable pain and dread of having no idea who we are are, what life we are leading and where to even begin trying to connect the dots of the broken pieces of our lives and our hearts.
But before we go blaming ourselves for leading an auto-pilot life, we must have compassion for ourselves because we do not live in a society that promotes tuning-in. We live in a society that promotes tuning out.
So how do we change it? How do we mend this pervasive societal and individual disconnect?
Well, for years I have been trying to fix my own disconnect. I’ve thrown everything imaginable within the healing / spiritual realm at it: meditation, yoga, chanting, acupuncture, retreats, therapy, books and seminars. You name it and I have most likely tried it.
And don’t get me wrong, they have all helped me heal to some degree. They have guided me deeper. They have helped me shed (some) layers and dismantle (some) armor around my heart but my intention behind all of this has always been to fix myself. From the moment I physically felt that cord snap in 2012, I’ve been hell bent on fixing.
The pain of that massive separation / wake-up call was borderline unbearable at times and what’s often been more unbearable has been my desire to be connected again and fix what felt damaged.
But why did I feel the incessant need to fix?
Because the damage and disconnect felt wrong and moreso, I felt wrong. I myself felt damaged. That “wrongness” is what always drove my healing and it was only in that sacred space in Sedona that this realization hit home.
The truth is, I think that’s where many of our inclinations towards healing arises from: the need to fix something within us; the belief that there is something wrong with us. But then that is not true healing because it is not coming from a place of deep love, it comes from a much more rigid place of unacceptable. From that place, we will never heal to the depths that our soul desires.
So you see, it’s not about fixing the disconnect. It never was. It’s about accepting and embracing it for what it is (which is the starting point of all paths of healing). It’s about feeling what disconnect feels like, not thinking about what it should not feel like. Bringing in the “should-nots” adds in an aspect of shame to the process and let’s be honest, we all already deal with enough of that as it is.
Once again, our current political and general societal environment perfectly embodies this notion of fixing from a place of “wrongness” and unacceptance. And where has this gotten us?
Instead, we must invite in compassion. Even in the face of some of our most difficult pain and experiences, that is when we must usher in radical compassion……... and if we struggle with giving ourselves (and others) compassion, we have compassion for that as well. In every moment, we surrender to this.
This is how we begin to heal our pain, our perceived struggles and our various disconnects. We acknowledge it’s happening, we sit with it and we physically feel it. Instead of distracting ourselves with social media, work, relationships, planning, going out, focusing on *not your shit*........we just sit with it.
Because connecting with disconnect, and any other pain we experience, is the first step to mending that cord back to ourselves; to love; to our core; our soul; our Highest Truth.
In our current world landscape, healing the disconnect within ourselves with unlimited compassion is important now more than ever. We all want peace and unity in this country and it truly begins within us. As we begin to tune in and not only acknowledge but also accept the chaos within our own minds and hearts, we can begin to acknowledge and accept the chaos around us.
The world around us is a direct reflection of the world within us so it is only from a place of radical acceptance, not judgment and hate, where our pain and the pain surrounding us can begin to heal and transform at the deeper and lasting levels that so many of us desire.
The Beauty in Saying No
We live in a society of “yes.”
We are told to lean in.
We are told to push ourselves.
We are told we can sleep when we’re dead.
And I fully believe in these things, I really do (not so much the sleep when we’re dead scenario, as not ever sleeping will likely ensure you do actually end up dead).
Shonda Rhimes even has a book called “Year of Yes.” She writes about how she was able to push past her own limiting fears and beliefs in one year and expand her life and herself in ways she was never able to experience before, all by saying ‘Yes.’
We live in a society of “yes.”
We are told to lean in.
We are told to push ourselves.
We are told we can sleep when we’re dead.
And I fully believe in these things, I really do (not so much the sleep when we’re dead scenario, as not ever sleeping will likely ensure you do actually end up dead).
Shonda Rhimes even has a book called “Year of Yes.” She writes about how she was able to push past her own limiting fears and beliefs in one year and expand her life and herself in ways she was never able to experience before, all by saying ‘Yes.’
There is absolutely no denying the power it holds and I know this too from firsthand experience. You can grow in leaps and bounds, create an unbelievable life and a powerful, limitless You all by saying this small 3 letter word.
But I often wonder, at what point does saying Yes come from a place of obligation, guilt and fear instead of coming from a place of love and as an aligned desire from our hearts? At what point does saying Yes actually come from a place of avoidance and maybe even from a place of deeper hidden pain?
I used to be a Yes person of the above stated nature. I would go so far as to say I am a recovering Yes-aholic. I would say yes to dinners, lunches, birthdays, dates, parties, events and trips even if every fiber of my being (and wallet) was screaming No. I said Yes because honestly I often found it too difficult to do otherwise.
In my younger days and on a more shallow level I thought, what if I miss out on something that will never ever happen again (spoiler alert: it usually does happen again in some way)? I think the kids these days call that “FOMO.”
But on a deeper emotional level I thought, who am I to say No? The word felt heavy to me. It felt like disappointment. I felt as though I was not only letting others down, but myself down if I uttered those two letters. People wanted to see me; they wanted to do things with me; they liked being around me and I believed I should be happy that this was the case.
I believed I should be grateful that people liked me because what if it was the opposite? What if my fear of not being liked/loved/accepted was a reality?
I simply couldn’t let that happen.
And that’s what kept me as a Yes person for many years - this deep rooted fear of disappointing others (and myself) and not being loved/accepted. When all signs within me pointed to the path of No, I said Yes to protect myself from feeling the pain of someone else’s disappointment. So instead, with every unaligned Yes that I committed to, I slowly but steadily depleted my own well of self love and chipped away at my inner compass, my guiding light.
I would do this until my well was dry and my compass was broken and the inevitable would happen, I would have a breakdown. It took three breakdowns until I realized that I could no longer live this way: I could no longer say Yes for the sake of others at the expense of my own health, happiness and sense of self.
But please do not misinterpret any of this. We can often stay small, unchallenged and stuck in life if we do not say Yes and push past fears and limiting beliefs; however, as important as that is, here are 4 reasons why there is beauty and power in also saying No.
1.) Makes Room for Self-Care
I am a huge advocate for self-care and not just in the physical realm. Working out, eating well, sleeping enough and whatever else is on your list are essential aspects to our well-being; however, I find that an emotional self-care ritual is where many of us are lacking. Just like we carve out time in our day to take care of our physical bodies, we must learn to do the same for our inner worlds.
Without that space we risk experiencing not only a disconnect within our hearts and bodies, but a disconnect with our own external lives as well (which I talk more about here). But how can we do that if we pack our days to the brim and max out every available hour? Either way, whether it’s physical or emotional, it’s important to understand what we can say No to in order to create space and time for our daily self-care (even if that self-care sometimes looks like not working out and actually allowing our bodies to rest).
2.) Helps to Prioritize
I can often experience a sense of overwhelm because of all the goals I want to achieve and things that I want to do and experience in a day. While I believe that life is meant to be lived to the fullest capacity, I don’t believe it needs to be done with the price of feeling overwhelmed and constantly on the brink of burning out. I get it though and sometimes life just happens and despite being on the edge of a meltdown, we feel we cannot say No. However, learning to prioritize means consistently checking in with ourselves (i.e look up from the electronic in front of you) and seeing if we need to say No not only to other people and plans but possibly even saying No to ourselves and our never ending list of tasks (which can often be more difficult).
3.) Provides Access to Clarity
…….Which leads me directly to #3 because the more that we are able to take the time (once again, no matter small it may be) to slow down, possibly say No to something on our to do list, take a breath, create some space and check in with ourselves, the easier it becomes to understand the next step we need to take in any aspect of our lives. It can actually increase efficiency by showing us what can be taken off of our plates whether physically, emotionally or mentally and help to give us the necessary clarity to see what is the most aligned action (or non-action) for ourselves.
4.) Builds Connection to your Intuition
We hear a lot about intuition these days - people’s personal success stories about it, which spiritual practices are best suited to strengthen it and how to live “your best life” by following it. The information out there about it is endless which is wonderful because intuition really is an essential aspect of living an authentic and personally aligned life. And the best part about intuition is that we all have it and while many spiritual practices can help cultivate easier access to it, the most fundamental of these is simply the practice of being still and quiet (and not looking at a screen). To do these things however, we must do what? We must actually create the space to be able to look within and listen which may at some point require uttering that sacred No to the outside world.
In the most basic and foundational way, giving ourselves the permission to say No creates space and freedom in our lives. Because we live in a “yes” society, it may not feel liberating at first; however, the more we practice the more it allows us to create boundaries both internally and externally. It can be a powerful declaration to ourselves, to others and to the Universe that we matter; that our time matters; that our health matters and that taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally is a priority.
If we can not take care of ourselves properly, how are we expected to take care of or help others effectively? Or rather, help them from a place of love and fullness instead of from a place of scarcity, obligation and depletion?
At the end of the day, we all want more time, more energy, more connection, more peace and a life that we love. We cannot achieve this though if we are in a constant state of motion and saying Yes to everything around us, even if it is not in alignment with ourselves. Understanding when we need to say No is absolutely essential in creating a structure within our lives that creates spaciousness and room/time to connect.
The personal power in saying No is especially important during the holiday season. Although it can be a joyous time, it can also be an emotional time. With pressures to over eat, over commit and over spend combined with the pressure to appear happy and merry (even if you don’t actually feel this way), it can be easy to fall into the Yes trap and find our internal state and physical bodies in complete disarray. It may not be easy, but both your anxiety levels and your digestive track will thank you for the occasional well placed No.
Like anything else in life, there must be a balance in its usage but I think we all need to give ‘No’ a little more credit for its necessary place in the creation of a more connected, balanced, harmonious and joyful life.
What You Resist Will Persist
Does this sound cliche? Probably. Did someone else probably already say this quote? Definitely. Does it matter? Not really because this is a lesson that we as humans will live our entire lives learning, no matter how many times this quote is regurgitated. Some of us know deep down there is something or numerous things that we resist, we avoid, we run from.
Does this sound cliche? Probably. Did someone else probably already say this quote? Definitely. Does it matter? Not really because this is a lesson that we as humans will live our entire lives learning, no matter how many times this quote is regurgitated. Some of us know deep down there is something or numerous things that we resist, we avoid, we run from. Some of us have no idea and we are confused as to why we are the way we are, why our lives are the way they are and why we keep seeming to "end up" in the same situation over and over and over again. Most of the time I think it's a mixed bag for both of us, sometimes we are aware, sometimes not. I for one put myself in that third category.
But why? Why do we resist?
From personal experience it's really to avoid pain; it's to avoid feeling grief; it's to avoid feeling too vulnerable and out of control. We think we cannot handle the pain or whatever difficult emotion it may be so we distract ourselves with our lives; we scroll through social media for a couple of minutes which then spirals into a couple of hours; we over work; we make never ending to do lists; we binge watch tv; we engage in our internal story that it's really not our fault; we blame; we point fingers; we put others down; we compare; we complain; we focus all of our attention on our outer world so we don't have to begin to look at the chaos that is our inner world.
I get it. I did it for years until I could no longer keep running. I had no choice but to go within.
But the truth is as long as we keep running, situations will always present themselves in our lives that give us the opportunity to confront our shit. We may see it as a difficult situation; as a relationship not working out (again); as something not going our way; as someone not doing what we want or being who we want them to be.....but it's all the same. It's all opportunities to go within because at the end of the day something deep within all of us wants to be seen, felt and healed......and it can be if we allow it; if we actually just stop our running and allow the lessons and the healing to make their way to the forefront of our being.
Feel Everything
Until our foundation is completely healed, situations will always present themselves as a pathway to truth and rehabilitation. Let's take the time we need to grieve whatever it is we need to grieve and allow ourselves to feel it through, but let us not be victims to it.