Have you been crying a lot? Or wanting to cry a lot? Or is that just me?
We are deep into Cancer season so I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s not just me.
I saw a post on Instagram recently from Ev’yan Whitney who summed this up pretty well when they described all the places they’ve cried so far this Cancer season (which started on June 21 and ends July 22).
So I took that as an opportunity to reflect on all the places I’ve cried so far this season:
My car listening to emotionally charged songs
On a table after a myofascial release massage
My bed
In the middle of the ocean while surfing (I was with 14 other black and brown people in Malibu and the visual of so many bodies of color surfing together literally brought me to tears)
Acting class in the middle of a scene
Cuddling a friend’s cat
On a walk in a neighborhood
The reason I’m bringing this up is because there was a time when I didn’t let myself cry.
There was a time when my emotions scared the s**t out of me because, especially as a Highly Sensitive Person, I felt so deeply and it didn’t feel safe to feel the bigness of my feelings.
I was scared I would get lost in them or something bad was going to happen if I allowed myself to feel fully.
So I suppressed them to appear “strong” and like I had it all together.
Meanwhile my anxiety and depression were at an all time high, I was deeply disconnected from myself and living a life that never really felt like mine.
In hindsight I give myself a lot of grace because we live in a culture that indoctrinates us to run from our feelings from the minute we are born.
You see it all the time when we comment that the babies who don’t cry are “so good” and the babies that may cry more are seen as “difficult.”
You see it when you hear comments like “real men don’t cry” or when people claim “they never cry” as if it’s a badge of honor.
So then we run.
We run from our feelings, especially the big ones like grief and anger, stuffing them down deep with the hopes that they just disappear.
Here’s the thing though…..they don’t.
Emotions are energy-in-motion and when we stop that energy from completing the path its on, it gets trapped in the body and starts to manifest as dis-ease and literal disease.
In my recent surf therapy experience the incredible therapist who led us through the work would often remind us of something critical:
Emotions last 90 seconds. Beyond that initial chemical reaction, it’s our thoughts and feelings about it that then keeps the emotional response going.
This isn’t a judgement…….lord knows I love to partake in cry sessions that far exceed 90 seconds.......and sometimes that's necessary.
It’s to say that while emotions can feel very big and very scary, they do actually end.
Have you ever seen a child have a complete emotional fit? They don’t hold back - they let themselves feel what they feel and then it’s over and the next thing you know they are skipping around again looking to play.
It’s because their bodies are still clued into a deep truth: tears are medicine.
They’re our built in healing system that allows us to release energy and process what our brains sometimes cannot.
When was the last time you had a good cry? How much better did you feel afterwards? Or at least lighter?
And this isn’t to say this process is easy……not at all......especially because we don't live in a society that honors the complex emotions that come with being human nor the tools to navigate them.
There are times I am still scared to feel the big feels and sometimes the experience we are processing is actually too big to handle on our own and we need to ask for support.
This also isn’t the green light to try to feel and process every single emotion that comes up (that's very overwhelming) or over-indulge and *only* stay in the feels because this is also not always healthy (you have a whole life to live).
It’s a balance, always.
It’s to encourage us to give ourselves more permission to release, allow ourselves to heal and open ourselves up to the clarity, presence and connection that the space created from tears can provide.
A practice that’s been helpful for me when I feel a big feeling coming on has been:
1.) Envision the emotion like a wave: it’s building, building, building, peaks, and then eventually starts to simmer down
2.) Picture your hand as the most loving hand you can imagine (I picture my grandmother’s hand but it can be anyone that feels safe for you), and place your hand where you are feeling the sensations of the emotion
3.) Breathe into that space
4.) If it’s helpful to count to 90, you can also do this
5.) Tap to help move the energy out of your body
6.) Practice the ‘Havening’ Touch - a self-soothing method using our own touch as a therapeutic tool to de-stress and de-traumatize
If you’re more of a music person, I find this song to be very healing and supportive for moving the tears.
Lastly, make a list of your support network - the people or the practices that you can turn to when being with the emotion on your own isn’t working or feels too big.
If it’s a friend (vs. a professional), consider setting up some parameters and boundaries of how best you can be supported during these times and where they can meet you in that support.
We are not meant to carry these things on our own.
Lastly, a reminder that fear and love and grief and joy are 2 sides to the same coin. You cannot have one without the other.
When we give ourselves space and permission to feel the full spectrum of our human experience, we open ourselves up to the fullness of life itself.
And we all deserve that.
Sending you so much love and care,
Bianca
P.s - If you're looking for support with your emotional regulation and feeling the big feels, I've re-opened my calendar for EFT sessions which you can find out more about here or book your session package here.